June 15th: 8 Simple Rules

8 Simple Rules for Being Around My Infant Daughter ... or Son


RULE #1: THOU SHALT NOT TOUCH THE BABY WITHOUT ASKING

If we know you, please ask first.  The baby may have just been washed or eaten and doesn't need jostling or getting dirty again.  Plus, honestly, we have no idea where your hands have been and it's very important (not to mention tricky) trying to keep a baby healthy.  If I don't know you, you're not touching my kid period.

RULE #2: THOU SHALT NOT HAND-OFF THE BABY UNTO OTHERS

This is an extension of rule one.  It's a baby not a football.  Think basketball -- if we pass the baby to you, pass it back before taking the shot yourself.

RULE #3: THOU SHALT NOT FEED SOLID FOOD TO THE BABY

Baby food is mushy for a reason.  It is the perfect consistency for a baby.  What isn't is a hot dog, Doritos, Oreo, hamburger, mac and cheese, steak or cheesecake.  All will be confiscated and eaten by the parents with extreme prejudice and a little bit of indigestion.

RULE #4: THOU SHALT RESPECT THE FATHER AND MOTHER

You can disagree all you want.  You can give as much advice as you have.  You can seriously question their sanity.  You can privately express concern.  However, if you correct or chastise the parents in front of the baby or others duct tape will make its way to your mouth upon future visits.

RULE #5: THOU SHALT NOT DO SHIT BEHIND THE PARENTS' BACKS

If we find out all baby privileges will be revoked.

RULE #6: THOU SHALT NOT CREATE NICKNAMES FOR THE BABY

The baby's name is the baby's name.  Respect it.  Learn to love it.  If you can't, see "Learn to love it."

RULE #7: THOU SHALT NOT MAKE LOUD NOISES AROUND THE BABY

Babies scare easily.  It's a fact of life.  While it may seem "cute" to you when a baby scrunches their face up and starts bawling, you don't have to deal with said child later on and it's very possible you just gave the kid a near fear to overcome.

RULE #8: THOU SHALT GIVE THE PARENTS SPACE

New babies are exciting, we know that, but they're also exhausting and frenetic.  Sometimes, most likely a lot, the parents will need a break from the hoopla of everyone else being fascinated by their baby.  Parents and baby need quiet private time together, i.e., alone, by themselves, without others, sans additional people, with carbon-based units lacking in numbers around them.  Don't take offense.  It's not you.  They're just as fascinated by their baby as you are and they need time to bond which requires that, yes, you not be around.