Baby room colors. Once upon a time choosing the color for your baby's room ahead of time was simple: you didn't, and even then when the baby was born your palette de choice was automatically whittled down to blue or pink as soon as your baby inhaled Lysol-infused hospital air for the first time.
Times have changed. People usually know far in advance of the birth what they're baby's sex will be, yet they also don't allow themselves to be pinned in by only two color schemes. Ultimately, colors will have to be picked and I'm convinced the reason many woman say their labor pains weren't as bad as they feared is because they've already gone paint hunting with their husband.
At some point you will likely mosey on into a Lowes or a Home Depot. They, as well as all of your local home improvement stores, all now possess entire sections of their expanse dedicated to paint colors. The employees are more than willing to help creating an even bigger illusion that this decision will be a piece of cake. Lies. All lies. And then there are the books. Those <sarcasm> oh so helpful </sarcasm> books and magazines exploding with ideas and pictures. Oh yes, the pictures. Those gorgeous glossy invitations screaming "PICK ME!" at the top of their perfectly coordinated and professionally decorated lungs. You'll notice I said "professionally." That's because the one thing they don't want you to think about is the fact the reason the thing looks so God damn good is IT WAS DONE BY SOMEONE PAID TO DO IT! It looks so amazing because it's NOT as easy as it looks, but they wouldn't sell as many gallons of paint if they lead on for even one moment that you need expensive professional help to get it as perfect as it is in the pictures. Many people, however, are able to overcome all of these obstacles and pick the perfect color scheme without issue.
And then there is Susana and myself.
For the record, Susana is actually very accomplished at doing painting, home improvements and everything I'm supposed to be able to do well because I have testicles. Sadly, I did not get that genome, but Susana's impressively self-taught experience more than makes up for it. I fully and readily admit it was I, Mark Post, father of Susana's unborn child and love of her life, who utterly screwed the pooch on trying to pick paint colors.
You have to understand, when picking colors with your significant other, it is important to note there are only six residents of the male color spectrum: red, blue, green, black, their favorite team's colors and "what the fuck is that?" It should be noted, of course, that black is not a color (it's a light spectrum -- there's no color because it absorbs lights so your eyes can't detect anything. End science lesson.). Men will argue with you on this because they can clearly see things "colored" black. They can also see Megan Fox "act" so their judgment is a bit suspect anyway. Men also refuse to acknowledge white as a viable color because white is boring unless it is being used as a background to demonstrate just how cool a cherry red Corvette looks.
When Susana and I went shopping for paint last year it was an adventure. Many trips to Home Depot resulted in frustration, primarily from my inability to tell the difference from, say, canary and lemon drop. Susana has a keen eye for detail when it comes to color. She can spot that difference from a mile away. Where to me yellow is yellow, red is red and pink must never, ever be used on a wall under penalty of death (thankfully, we agree on the last part).
So, to men everywhere, I suggest this: nod and say "Yes dear." the fact is you CAN'T tell the difference between canary and lemon drop, but she can. Picking colors is something that, by definition of being a man, you suck at doing. Don't waste all your pull by arguing there is no difference between kelly green and forest green when there are bigger fish to fry. The more you're willing to give on paint the more chips you have to cash in later, maybe on picking a name. After all, which is worse, having to admit there are 2 million shades of blue or allowing your new daughter to be named after her favorite dead aunt Wilhelmina?
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