July 30

Proving that she's daddy's girl, we're getting a prone body with the back turned.  As for the sex, well, the daddy's girl part was probably a giveaway.

July 28th

Crib bedding is so expensive.  Can't we just throw a blanket in a box?  It works for kittens.

July 26th

To Do List: Driving to the Hospital

Pack and load suitcase
Take Bailey out to pee
Lockup cats
Take three Xanax
Eat Doritos to combat nausea from taking three Xanax
Walk Susana to the car
Walk Susana back to the house to verify offness of stove
Walk Susana to the car
Walk Susana back to the house to grab forgotten car keys
Walk Susana to the car
Run back to the front door to lock front door
Fix driver's seat Susana invariably changed from driving last
Put car in gear
Get out of car to check for damage from putting car in gear before starting engine
Get back in car
Start car
Drive to hospital
Leave to drive to correct hospital
Drive to hospital
Park car
Take Susana inside hospital
Run back outside to prove to Susana car doors are locked
Quietly lock car doors
Run back into hospital
Follow "To Do List: Labor" protocol

To be continued ....

July 20th

As soon as I found out Susana was pregnant I did what any self-respecting, compassionate, sensitive 21st Century man would do: I told Susana as long as she couldn't drink neither would I.  Five minutes later, I said what every man would say after making such a decision.

"WTF???"

Ah, yes, alcohol: turning your "S"s into "Esh"s since 5,700 B.C.  Our clear, potent friend that makes bar patrons look better and arguments about sports stats actually seem like righteous endeavors.  Yes, we're on the wagon, folks.  Our days of white wine with fish, a shot of chocolate wine as a dessert drink,homemade fruity sangria to congregate with friends when we throw one of our awesome movie parties or just cozying up on the couch together to watch TV while downing a brewsky are on hold and boy do we miss it.  Not the taste, of course, because alcohol technically tastes like you're licking a hospital scalpel.  No, it's the sharpness, the warmth, the social networking of drinking.

It's so ironic that the time you could most use a drink is when you can't have one.  Please excuse me while I search the Internet for a voodoo curse to use on the bastard who decided pregnant women can't have a glass of wine anymore.

Comments

Apparently quite a few people have been having difficulty leaving comments.  Blogger, it seems, takes it's anti-SPAM stuff seriously and has a borderline oppressive comment system.  I've made some changes and I think it will be easier now.

July 19th

After a wonderful first anniversary weekend, a trip to the doctor's yesterday revealed that Susana is pregnant.  She really should have mentioned that a year ago.  It also revealed the 14-week-old bugger had a strong-ass heartbeat of 152 bpm.  Previously we'd only been able to see the heartbeat which, on an ultrasound, looks like a storm front coming in from the southeast at 10 mph pushing a high pressure front to the mainland.  The sound is quite interesting resembling Pac-Man on a rampage (whoosha-whoosha-whoosha-whoosha).  It also made my heart stop when I heard it.  Then there was movement.  How can you tell this by sound?  Turns out either every fetus is a club DJ scratching a record or the sound the receiver hears when there is movement roughly sounds like one of those screeching dinosaurs from Jurassic Park.  This made the hearing-your-baby's-heartbeat-for-the-first-time moment a little bit jarring -- whoosa-whoosa-whoosa-SCREEEEEECH-whoosa-whoosa-SCREEEEEECH.  And since we are talking about my kid here there was a LOT of movement.  Little snot couldn't sit still for longer than a few seconds before our eardrums were blistered by the sound of two cars trying to avoid an accident.  It was quite disruptive.  Yup, that's my baby alright.

July 9th

Babies are expensive.  They're like pooping little debit cards sucking funds from your bank account.  It starts before they're even conceived (if you're trying to have a baby, that is) and I'm not sure it ever ends considering the phenomenon of teenagers' cars not moving unless you have money for gas.

The websites lure you in with pictures of sweet babies (how they keep getting pictures of my beautiful baby-to-be is beyond me) and the words SAVINGS and ESSENTIAL in a huge, inviting font.  Looking over the various purchases we will have to deal with I find the more I read the more everything turns into a blur.  It's like I'm reading a transcript of Charlie Brown's teacher with a big, bold number on the end mocking me.  When we walk around the baby section I hear "CA-CHING!" followed by the sound of a vacuum (although that could just be the vacuum center next door).  The financial aspect of parenthood is a scary prospect.  I'm pretty sure every time a baby is born Wal-Mart throws a little party.

July 7th

Things I can teach my child:

How to take down a silver winged elite playing WoW solo.

Avatar is a lame-ass movie.

The beauty of listening to a symphony with your eyes closed.

HAN SHOT FIRST, DAMMIT!

Never, ever pour soda into your laptop.

How to roll basil into a chiffonade and chop it.

Pink is not an acceptable color for anything anywhere ever in perpetuity.

Movies are just better on a big screen because it makes them bigger than life as intended.

Obi-Wan Kenobi was secretly a bad-ass.

Vampires should not be sparkly.  Ever.

If you don't vote, you don't have the right to complain.

Norwegian Ridgeback dragons do not make good pets.

Shakespeare is more than a bunch of funny-sounding words.

The Social Network was robbed.

And finally, don't panic and always bring your towel.