September 14th

Breastfeeding in public, in spite of being legal, well, pretty much everywhere, is still a very controversial subject.  Breasts, while a truly unending source of fun and enjoyment for men, lesbians and bisexual women everywhere, exist primarily for one purpose: as a source of nutrition for the Gerber Generation until they can start chowing on pureed carrots and little baby Snausages from a jar.  Even though this highly common knowledge is encoded in the human brain at birth, western society has so skewed humanity's view of the female body that everything attached to a woman has been sexualized and most likely immortalized on some unknown-to-the-masses fetish website.

I understand why some people have a problem with public breastfeeding.  Society is so incredibly boob-centric that the sight of Janet Jackson's Super Bowl nipple caused an apocalyptic reaction.  Old bitties nationwide had a simultaneous stroke when it happened and then had heart attacks recounting the story when they inevitably called to report it to the Federal Communications Commission (a.k.a., old bitties' bitch).  Breastfeeding is a normal, natural function of a certain part of the female anatomy.  Anyone who has body issues or trouble with this concept has their own issues to deal with and I'm not about to have my daughter suffer for other people's ignorance and stupidity.  Will we use a cover?  Yes, when it's comfortable for both Susana and Darcy.  However, this is Florida and "comfortable" generally only happens on a Wednesday in March sometime between the hours of 2:00 and 2:15 PM.


My plan: print up business cards explaining the state of Florida's take on public breastfeeding ("it's a-ok with us!"); carrying a breastfeeding cover to be used when weather permits; and when weather does not permit, taking into account their objection due to the sexual objectification of boobs, screaming at the top of my lungs "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING LOOKING AT MY WIFE'S BOOBS, YOU FUCKING PERVERT??" (no, we're not married -- semantics, people) and belittling their closet peeper ways in front of what I hope is a very large crowd.  If you see a breast and think sex or dirty nudity that is your problem not ours.  My daughter is hungry -- fucking cope, bitch!

I have only one request for Santa for that scenario -- PLEASE let it be some old bitty!