As soon as I found out Susana was pregnant I did what any self-respecting, compassionate, sensitive 21st Century man would do: I told Susana as long as she couldn't drink neither would I. Five minutes later, I said what every man would say after making such a decision.
"WTF???"
Ah, yes, alcohol: turning your "S"s into "Esh"s since 5,700 B.C. Our clear, potent friend that makes bar patrons look better and arguments about sports stats actually seem like righteous endeavors. Yes, we're on the wagon, folks. Our days of white wine with fish, a shot of chocolate wine as a dessert drink,homemade fruity sangria to congregate with friends when we throw one of our awesome movie parties or just cozying up on the couch together to watch TV while downing a brewsky are on hold and boy do we miss it. Not the taste, of course, because alcohol technically tastes like you're licking a hospital scalpel. No, it's the sharpness, the warmth, the social networking of drinking.
It's so ironic that the time you could most use a drink is when you can't have one. Please excuse me while I search the Internet for a voodoo curse to use on the bastard who decided pregnant women can't have a glass of wine anymore.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Comments
Apparently quite a few people have been having difficulty leaving comments. Blogger, it seems, takes it's anti-SPAM stuff seriously and has a borderline oppressive comment system. I've made some changes and I think it will be easier now.
July 19th
After a wonderful first anniversary weekend, a trip to the doctor's yesterday revealed that Susana is pregnant. She really should have mentioned that a year ago. It also revealed the 14-week-old bugger had a strong-ass heartbeat of 152 bpm. Previously we'd only been able to see the heartbeat which, on an ultrasound, looks like a storm front coming in from the southeast at 10 mph pushing a high pressure front to the mainland. The sound is quite interesting resembling Pac-Man on a rampage (whoosha-whoosha-whoosha-whoosha). It also made my heart stop when I heard it. Then there was movement. How can you tell this by sound? Turns out either every fetus is a club DJ scratching a record or the sound the receiver hears when there is movement roughly sounds like one of those screeching dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. This made the hearing-your-baby's-heartbeat-for-the-first-time moment a little bit jarring -- whoosa-whoosa-whoosa-SCREEEEEECH-whoosa-whoosa-SCREEEEEECH. And since we are talking about my kid here there was a LOT of movement. Little snot couldn't sit still for longer than a few seconds before our eardrums were blistered by the sound of two cars trying to avoid an accident. It was quite disruptive. Yup, that's my baby alright.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
July 9th
Babies are expensive. They're like pooping little debit cards sucking funds from your bank account. It starts before they're even conceived (if you're trying to have a baby, that is) and I'm not sure it ever ends considering the phenomenon of teenagers' cars not moving unless you have money for gas.
The websites lure you in with pictures of sweet babies (how they keep getting pictures of my beautiful baby-to-be is beyond me) and the words SAVINGS and ESSENTIAL in a huge, inviting font. Looking over the various purchases we will have to deal with I find the more I read the more everything turns into a blur. It's like I'm reading a transcript of Charlie Brown's teacher with a big, bold number on the end mocking me. When we walk around the baby section I hear "CA-CHING!" followed by the sound of a vacuum (although that could just be the vacuum center next door). The financial aspect of parenthood is a scary prospect. I'm pretty sure every time a baby is born Wal-Mart throws a little party.
The websites lure you in with pictures of sweet babies (how they keep getting pictures of my beautiful baby-to-be is beyond me) and the words SAVINGS and ESSENTIAL in a huge, inviting font. Looking over the various purchases we will have to deal with I find the more I read the more everything turns into a blur. It's like I'm reading a transcript of Charlie Brown's teacher with a big, bold number on the end mocking me. When we walk around the baby section I hear "CA-CHING!" followed by the sound of a vacuum (although that could just be the vacuum center next door). The financial aspect of parenthood is a scary prospect. I'm pretty sure every time a baby is born Wal-Mart throws a little party.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
July 7th
Things I can teach my child:
How to take down a silver winged elite playing WoW solo.
Avatar is a lame-ass movie.
The beauty of listening to a symphony with your eyes closed.
HAN SHOT FIRST, DAMMIT!
Never, ever pour soda into your laptop.
How to roll basil into a chiffonade and chop it.
Pink is not an acceptable color for anything anywhere ever in perpetuity.
Movies are just better on a big screen because it makes them bigger than life as intended.
Obi-Wan Kenobi was secretly a bad-ass.
Vampires should not be sparkly. Ever.
If you don't vote, you don't have the right to complain.
Norwegian Ridgeback dragons do not make good pets.
Shakespeare is more than a bunch of funny-sounding words.
The Social Network was robbed.
And finally, don't panic and always bring your towel.
How to take down a silver winged elite playing WoW solo.
Avatar is a lame-ass movie.
The beauty of listening to a symphony with your eyes closed.
HAN SHOT FIRST, DAMMIT!
Never, ever pour soda into your laptop.
How to roll basil into a chiffonade and chop it.
Pink is not an acceptable color for anything anywhere ever in perpetuity.
Movies are just better on a big screen because it makes them bigger than life as intended.
Obi-Wan Kenobi was secretly a bad-ass.
Vampires should not be sparkly. Ever.
If you don't vote, you don't have the right to complain.
Norwegian Ridgeback dragons do not make good pets.
Shakespeare is more than a bunch of funny-sounding words.
The Social Network was robbed.
And finally, don't panic and always bring your towel.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
June 28th
Choosing baby names is serious and complicated shit. It's so serious this is the second post I've made about it (and probably only the second of many). I've been reading many books and articles about choosing the right name and there is so much to consider:
Kids with common names perform better in school
If the child will have a short, one syllable last name you should choose a multi-syllabicate first name so it flows better
Consider potential nicknames that might spring from your name choice (Richard will almost assuredly be called Dick which will confuse everyone as to whether it is being used as his name or an adjective).
Make sure the child's initials won't spell anything unfortunate like ASS, DIK, FAG or GAY
Picking a name that won't get your child beaten up at recess (do they even have recess anymore?)
Not picking a name that will result in any unfortunate rhymes when singing The Name Game ( Chuck, Chuck, bo-buck. Banana-fana, fo ...)
Don't pick a name that will take you fifteen minutes to say when you reach "Full Name Anger" (Willamina Guinevere Rodriguez-Christenson, you stop that RIGHT NOW!)
It's all very stressful when you consider you're branding your child before they can speak for themselves. You can tell them "A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet," but if you truly feel the need to saddle your kid with something people need to rip out their tongue to pronounce correctly or sounds like a character out of The Crucible just make sure you don't teach them how to use an AK-47 or point out the local water tower every time you drive by.
Kids with common names perform better in school
If the child will have a short, one syllable last name you should choose a multi-syllabicate first name so it flows better
Consider potential nicknames that might spring from your name choice (Richard will almost assuredly be called Dick which will confuse everyone as to whether it is being used as his name or an adjective).
Make sure the child's initials won't spell anything unfortunate like ASS, DIK, FAG or GAY
Picking a name that won't get your child beaten up at recess (do they even have recess anymore?)
Not picking a name that will result in any unfortunate rhymes when singing The Name Game ( Chuck, Chuck, bo-buck. Banana-fana, fo ...)
Don't pick a name that will take you fifteen minutes to say when you reach "Full Name Anger" (Willamina Guinevere Rodriguez-Christenson, you stop that RIGHT NOW!)
It's all very stressful when you consider you're branding your child before they can speak for themselves. You can tell them "A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet," but if you truly feel the need to saddle your kid with something people need to rip out their tongue to pronounce correctly or sounds like a character out of The Crucible just make sure you don't teach them how to use an AK-47 or point out the local water tower every time you drive by.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
June 15th: 8 Simple Rules
8 Simple Rules for Being Around My Infant Daughter ... or Son
RULE #1: THOU SHALT NOT TOUCH THE BABY WITHOUT ASKING
If we know you, please ask first. The baby may have just been washed or eaten and doesn't need jostling or getting dirty again. Plus, honestly, we have no idea where your hands have been and it's very important (not to mention tricky) trying to keep a baby healthy. If I don't know you, you're not touching my kid period.
RULE #2: THOU SHALT NOT HAND-OFF THE BABY UNTO OTHERS
This is an extension of rule one. It's a baby not a football. Think basketball -- if we pass the baby to you, pass it back before taking the shot yourself.
RULE #3: THOU SHALT NOT FEED SOLID FOOD TO THE BABY
Baby food is mushy for a reason. It is the perfect consistency for a baby. What isn't is a hot dog, Doritos, Oreo, hamburger, mac and cheese, steak or cheesecake. All will be confiscated and eaten by the parents with extreme prejudice and a little bit of indigestion.
RULE #4: THOU SHALT RESPECT THE FATHER AND MOTHER
You can disagree all you want. You can give as much advice as you have. You can seriously question their sanity. You can privately express concern. However, if you correct or chastise the parents in front of the baby or others duct tape will make its way to your mouth upon future visits.
RULE #5: THOU SHALT NOT DO SHIT BEHIND THE PARENTS' BACKS
If we find out all baby privileges will be revoked.
RULE #6: THOU SHALT NOT CREATE NICKNAMES FOR THE BABY
The baby's name is the baby's name. Respect it. Learn to love it. If you can't, see "Learn to love it."
RULE #7: THOU SHALT NOT MAKE LOUD NOISES AROUND THE BABY
Babies scare easily. It's a fact of life. While it may seem "cute" to you when a baby scrunches their face up and starts bawling, you don't have to deal with said child later on and it's very possible you just gave the kid a near fear to overcome.
RULE #8: THOU SHALT GIVE THE PARENTS SPACE
New babies are exciting, we know that, but they're also exhausting and frenetic. Sometimes, most likely a lot, the parents will need a break from the hoopla of everyone else being fascinated by their baby. Parents and baby need quiet private time together, i.e., alone, by themselves, without others, sans additional people, with carbon-based units lacking in numbers around them. Don't take offense. It's not you. They're just as fascinated by their baby as you are and they need time to bond which requires that, yes, you not be around.
RULE #1: THOU SHALT NOT TOUCH THE BABY WITHOUT ASKING
If we know you, please ask first. The baby may have just been washed or eaten and doesn't need jostling or getting dirty again. Plus, honestly, we have no idea where your hands have been and it's very important (not to mention tricky) trying to keep a baby healthy. If I don't know you, you're not touching my kid period.
RULE #2: THOU SHALT NOT HAND-OFF THE BABY UNTO OTHERS
This is an extension of rule one. It's a baby not a football. Think basketball -- if we pass the baby to you, pass it back before taking the shot yourself.
RULE #3: THOU SHALT NOT FEED SOLID FOOD TO THE BABY
Baby food is mushy for a reason. It is the perfect consistency for a baby. What isn't is a hot dog, Doritos, Oreo, hamburger, mac and cheese, steak or cheesecake. All will be confiscated and eaten by the parents with extreme prejudice and a little bit of indigestion.
RULE #4: THOU SHALT RESPECT THE FATHER AND MOTHER
You can disagree all you want. You can give as much advice as you have. You can seriously question their sanity. You can privately express concern. However, if you correct or chastise the parents in front of the baby or others duct tape will make its way to your mouth upon future visits.
RULE #5: THOU SHALT NOT DO SHIT BEHIND THE PARENTS' BACKS
If we find out all baby privileges will be revoked.
RULE #6: THOU SHALT NOT CREATE NICKNAMES FOR THE BABY
The baby's name is the baby's name. Respect it. Learn to love it. If you can't, see "Learn to love it."
RULE #7: THOU SHALT NOT MAKE LOUD NOISES AROUND THE BABY
Babies scare easily. It's a fact of life. While it may seem "cute" to you when a baby scrunches their face up and starts bawling, you don't have to deal with said child later on and it's very possible you just gave the kid a near fear to overcome.
RULE #8: THOU SHALT GIVE THE PARENTS SPACE
New babies are exciting, we know that, but they're also exhausting and frenetic. Sometimes, most likely a lot, the parents will need a break from the hoopla of everyone else being fascinated by their baby. Parents and baby need quiet private time together, i.e., alone, by themselves, without others, sans additional people, with carbon-based units lacking in numbers around them. Don't take offense. It's not you. They're just as fascinated by their baby as you are and they need time to bond which requires that, yes, you not be around.
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